What Do I Want?

Kouy's story really hit home: "Kouy always thought that by now she would have figured out what kind of job she wanted, but she is coming up empty-handed. She is not even sure of where she wants to live. She hears her parents' voices in her head like a broken record: "So what are you going to do next?" Lacking a specific answer to that question makes her feel like a failure. Kouy also worries quite a bit about her relationship with her boyfriend because it complicates her decisions. She does not want to move to a different city, away from him, yet she has heard so many negative things from her mother about allowing a man to influence her choices. Although Kouy has not yet entered a profession, she worries about getting married and having kids while she establishes a career."

Many factors make the question "What do I want?" difficult to answer. Once of the biggest roadblocks we encounter are expectations, which consist of all the pressure we feel to be and do certain things. Does fulfilling expectations put us at risk of never discovering what we want, of never setting goals based on what we actually desire for ourselves?

"I'm afraid that I may end up alone and poor - or disappoint my parents, and myself." -Theresa **Being alone is one of my biggest fears.

YOUR BELIEF BIO

I believe that I can change my life.

I believe in the simplier things in life.

I believe I can make it through the hard times.

I believe I should be working already. Really, I think I should figure out what makes me happy, and go for it.

I believe I should have a hard-working, successful career. Once again, whatever makes me happy whether it's a corporate career or stay at home mother.

I believe I should be the perfect friend, wife, mother, etc. I believe I should be a valuable asset to others.

I believe I should set an example for others.

I believe I should be going somewhere...fast. While I do believe this, I know it's not realistic. I just want to go somewhere and do something in life.

I believe time is running out.

"We are all doing the things we think we should, but none of us are happy."

-A lot of great confusion arises when we try to differentiate among parental ideals, , relationship ideals, societal ideals, and personal ideals. If we peel away, one by one, our illusionary ideals, which are disguised as shoulds, we can find the root of what we really want.

GETTING TO THE CORE OF WHAT YOU WANT

1. List the answers from the question "What Do I Want?"

• I want to spend more time with family. -9
• I want a great job with pay and benefits. -8
• I want a happy marriage. -10
• I want to travel the world and experience new things. -7

2. Rewrite the list in order of importance.

• (I want a happy marriage.)*
• (I want to spend more time with family.)*
• (I want a great job with pay and benefits.)
• I want to travel the world and experience new things.*

3. Other things that are important and more details:

• I want to spend the rest of my life with the same person.
• I want to have a marriage that is defined by love and devotion.
• I want to have children and raise a family in a loving, warm environment.
• I want to spend time with my sister and help her find her way in life so she's not like me in a few years.
• I want to spend time helping my mother out in life.
• I want to spend time with my grandparents so I can build memories and cherish them forever.
• I want to become a foundation for my father.
• I want to cherish my closest friends while expanding my database.
• I want to own my own business and be an entrepeneur.
• I want to love going to work everyday.
• I want to make enough money to live comfortably and not to have to worry about things such as insurance and bills.
• I want to see the world.
• I want to learn new things and focus on my hobbies.

4. Who or what do you think might have influenced the beliefs you have formed?

-I think I have formed my beliefs based on a lot of individuals around me: family, friends, and myself.

5. Which beliefs about what you want in life do you think might have been externally generated by your parents, peers, society, teachers, and so on?

-Um, probably all of it. Mostly having children and a career.

6. Which beliefs do you think were internally generated from your own experiences or investigations?

-Probably travelling because not many in my family or friend group are as interested in this as me. However, I realize that I want to be married and have children but only with the right person. I do want a career but in some ways, I want to stay at home as well (especially if I have children).

7. Put a star by anything you think was internally generated and circle anything that was externally generated.


EXPLORING YOUR HEAD AND HEART

**Coming Soon**

Expectations that sound like me:

"To be thin and fashionable."
"To support myself and take care of myself independently while looking for a companion to settle down with."
"To start doing something real, make a difference, and be on a path, because time is running out."

-When expectations rule our lives, we set ourselves up for disappointment and judge ourselves harshly. We beat ourselves up when we do not meet a standard that was set for us or that we set for ourselves = expectation hangover.

Latest Expectation: I went in for my first job interview, applying for a management position. I felt like the first interview went well, but the second didn't. I haven't hardly ever not gotten a job I applied for so I felt deep down that I would get it anyway. After not receiving a phone call, I felt like a failure. I wondered if management were even right for me since I felt I didn't properly answer the questions and know all the right answers. I considered changing paths and even going back to school because I wasn't ready to face the real world, the job market.

*My real expectations: (internally & externally generated)*

• To be everything to everyone
• Perfect daughter to mom
• Big sister who guides K thru life
• Supporter/Provider to dad (mediator as well)
• Successful grandchild
• Friend to D during uncertain time
• Understanding and sympathetic while figuring things out to J
• Provider for myself
• Making my own money
• My own apartment
• Emotionally providing for myself
• Find a good job asap
• Better than most
• Money & insurance
• To know everything about management and be qualified for the jobs
• Have the time to do everything
• In a relationship: do laundry, clean in general, cook/shop for food among other little things

1. Among the various sources of expectations you listed, what or who was the most powerful, and why?
-to be everything for everyone because it has so many aspects and you have to be so flexible, becoming overwhelmed

2. How have expectations benefited you?
-They have given me something to aspire for and taught me some of the important things in life.

3. How have expectations harmed you?
-Made me feel like I have to do it all.

4. Think of the things you did in the last week. Which of these activities did you want to do? Which were things that were expected of you or that you felt pressured to do? Which type of things do you do more often - desires or expectations?
*This is an odd week since I'm out of town.*
-Wanted to do: snowboard, puppy, talk
-Pressured to do: keep my feelings inside, make sure R doesn't do anything she's not supposed to, figure out everything before I get home
-I usually do the expectations more often.

****"Life after college just felt like a great big black hole."****

One twenty-four-year-old says she feels tremendous pressure to make choices that will give her "the best education available or affordable, the perfect job that pays four times more than it would've paid my mother, the perfect husband, the perfect house in the new and upcoming area, and the perfect family, including the dog, while still maintaining my full-time perfect job and figure.

WHAT DOES HAVING IT ALL MEAN?

1. What does having it all mean to you?

-Having it all means finding the perfect career where I love what I do and get paid well to do it. It also means spending the rest of my life with the man I love and having a healthy loving relationship until the end. Also, it means having children that have only the best in life, the perfect house for my family, an obedient trained dog, and a huge network of friends and social life. In the midst of all this, having it all to me would include travel as often as possible to the most exotic and exciting places in the world and maintaining a beautiful physique through it all.

2. If you did have it all, how would your life look?

-Type of Job: Ultimately, I'd own my own business and be a successful entrepreneur who spends more of her time directing and at home with family.
-What would you own: A nice, big house with land near the beach or city (if not near the beach then also a beach house), a nice car, and yes... a nice big wardrobe!
-Family situation: I would be happily married with two kids (max). My husband would love his job as I would mine and I would be able to spend most of my time at home with the kids.
-Where would you live: Like I said earlier... near the beach and city if I could have both!
-Who would you be with: husband and later kids at the right time

3. Can you think of anyone who embodies the notion of having it all?
-No, I guess I don't have any one friend who has it all. Instead, each friend possesses a certain trait of it or are on the path to it all.

4. When you think about attaining "everything," does the idea seem overwhelming or actually possible?
-Overwhelming. I want it to be possible but it doesn't feel that way.

5. How do you think you would feel if you didn't eventually get it all?
-Maybe later in life I would content and realize I had enough but now it seems like I would feel like a failure.

DEMYSTIFYING YOUR GOALS

I want to own my own business, more than likely a womens designer clothing boutique.
I want to meet/marry the man of my dreams who I love beyond control.
I want to have one to two kids in my future.
Once I'm settled and married, I want to live in a big house in a nice neighborhood.
I want to have an obedient dog instead of a burdensome one.
I want to have tons of friends whom I spend girl time with often and couple friends who my husband and I socialize with on weekends.
I want to travel at least once or twice a year on substantial vacations and other small ones would be nice throughout.
I want to get in shape by working out a few times a week.
I want to dress fashionable by being able to purchase items I love (not going overboard).
I want to look beautiful by keeping up my hair and makeup.

1. Which have you already accomplished to some degree?
-I travel when I can, shop more than I should, and try to eat healthy. I have found love in relationships, secured important friendships, and currently already live in a big house in a nice neighborhood.

2. Have you done or accomplished something that was not on your original list of things you wanted?
-Hmmm, not that I can think of. College degree?

3. What are the three most important things in your life right now?
-Traveling, love, and friendship

4. What are you grateful for?
-Some of the opportunities that have come my way in regards to traveling
-True friendship & helpful girlfriends
-The strength to make it this far

Chapter 1: Who Am I?

TO BE OR NOT TO BE ... LIKE MOM

There is no doubt that our mothers - our relationship with them, their choices, their behavior, and our feelings about these things - have made significant impressions on us and will continue to affect our identity throughout our lives.

Heather's story strikes home on some levels - she was the first woman to go to college in the family and watched her mother live vicariously through her children. Like Heather, I feel that my mother did not equip me well for some aspects of adulthood. I don't remember her stressing the effects of credit cards and debt but instead only focusing on getting an education. Her main point was that I should go to college so I wouldn't ever be reliant on anyone. Well, this had a positive and negative effect. It was positive because I am a college graduate but negative because I have this refusal to rely on man completely. Also my mother has held decent jobs but nothing that she loved. She has always seemed to dread going to work and only does it because she has too. I think this somehow became ingrained in me because I don't have a high drive to work right now and when I do, I usually find myself hating the job and complaining a lot. I sometimes wish I had a mother who had a respectable job that she loved so I would have learned the value of loving your job and the value of giving back through work. I needed the influence of a strong work ethic.

Annette explained her relationship as hot-and-cold with her mother. She realized that her mother never allowed her own self-expression but instead directed any emotion she had toward other people. She tried to be happy through other people. -Well, this one strikes home because I believe that I have always tried to be happy through other people instead of through self-expression. Now, this is something that my mother has realized about me and asked why I am always in a relationship and can't just be alone. The truth is she never was either (until now). She went from my dad to my stepdad in a matter of months. Heck I still don't know that story or how that happened but my sister was an infant when she married my stepdad (not including the dating). She relied on happiness through someone else instead of finding it herself. Things have changed and now she is alone because she realized my stepdad wasn't the right one, so that's two divorces. This is inspiring to see her making it through but at the same time she still seems very unhappy and is struggling so much in life, just in a different way now than before.

Your Mother's Influence

1. Among the women quoted above, whose story resonated with you most, and why?
-Well, I really just answered this above.

2. What was your mother's role in your home? Do you think she liked it?
-The first nine years of my life, my mother's role was a working woman who also did everything at home. My dad was not present most of the time so she didn't have much help. No, I do not think she liked any bit of it. From nine to seventeen, my mother stayed at home and then started working those last few years because "the kids were grown." However, it seemed more like she was doing it for the money. I think she may have enjoyed staying at home but not really working. Most recently, the past few years she had reverted back to a working woman and single mother holding down a household. I don't think she is happy at all with her job, or living situation.

3. Did your mother work outside your home, and how did that affect your desire to work?
-Once again, I answered the first part in question two. I think her lack of desire to work and the fact that she stayed at home so many years made me think I shouldn't have to work. I think it also made me think that no job is fun or desirable because she never seemed happy where she was or what she was doing.

4. What did you admire about your mother?
-The fact that she is so strong and always makes it through the tough times. I am just like her in the aspect and I look around my entire family and see where it comes from. Only me and her are like this.

5. What did you not like about your mother?
-I didn't like how she never seemed happy. I also realize now looking back that she never expressed her emotions or communicated well and I blame this flaws within myself somewhat on her.

6. In what ways was or is your mother your role model?
-She is still my role model but in the way I mentioned in question four. I desire to be a strong woman who can do for herself. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone or live an emotionless life.

7. Have you followed in the footsteps on your mother? In what ways do you think you are similar to her?
-I feel like I have. The ways I mentioned above.

8. In what ways did you consciously decide to take another path? Why?
-I have consciously decided that I don't want to be like her in most ways. I realized that she seemed unhappy most of her life and I want to live a long, happy and eventful life fulfilling my dreams and sharing them with those people I love.

9. What advice did your mother give you that really has stuck with you?
-I think it's important to be myself and proud of myself. I don't want to rely on someone else for happiness. She may not have followed these guidelines until later in her life and is still trying to obtain some of them I'm sure, but I want to start now. I think I just have to decipher through the message and pull out the positive, important parts and combine them with the right way of going about it.

10. Did your mother have any behaviors that you vowed to never repeat?
-I vowed that I would never be with a man who treated me like crap. Well, somehow I fell into one of those relationships. I also vowed that I would never get divorce. Strike two.

11. What things did your mother say to you that influenced the decisions you have made in your twenties?
-Not a lot. I don't think she is very supportive of my twenties. She didn't go through this period of confusion or if she did, I don't know about it (which goes back to the communication issue). When I tell her that I don't know exactly what to do but I know that I want to be somebody and go places in life, she doesn't understand why I don't just do that with the life I already have. While I'm not writing that off the list, she doesn't understand that life sometimes takes us in different directions and that everyone desires different things in life. She thinks I should stay where I am, keep doing what I'm doing, and get a job. Thanks for the enthusiasm and understanding, mom.

12.  Has your mother said, or does she continue to say, certain things to or about you that affect your self-esteem or self-image?
-She does make me feel guilty and that I'm wrong for my feelings a lot of times. Like I just mentioned above and then also, if I express my feelings and they don't agree with her she will tell me what I'm doing is wrong. It's almost as if she's saying "Get it together, Ashley" all the time instead of supporting me through the processes.

13. What was your mother's relationship like with your father or her husband (or with men in general)?
-Two words: not good. I don't even remember my mother and father together, ever. They fought all the time and divorced when I was young. I definitely remember my mom and stepdad together but it's not good memories. There was constant tension and fighting along with awkwardness. She also told me a young age that she didn't love him but instead that he was there at a time of need and offered to take of her and us. Imagine how this has affected me. I haven't had a single influence of a good relationship growing up.

14. How was your mother's relationship with her mother?
-Um, I can't really say for sure. They seem close and now that my Nanny is older, she seems most dependent on my mother to take care of her.

15. How do you think your mother's relationships with others impacted how you behave in relationships with others?
-Sum it up: I'm skeptical of relationships, don't rely on men (or give myself completely, however you want to look at it), don't communicate well, or let myself be emotionally known or available. I also have had a long string of failed relationships and a failed marriage. These things can all be traced by to something in her life, whether the blame lies there or not.

Putting this all in words has made me realize that I'm not happy with the influence she gave overall. I never would have thought there were so many negative things I could have possibly gained from my mother seeing as she's a loving, caring woman who has always tried to give me what I need.

**The next part is to interview your mother and two other women her age. This is kind of difficult to do right now and I'm not even sure who the other women would be so I'll come back to this.**

I feel a lot like Jessica. This is basically her story: "Jessica, a twenty-seven year-old pharmaceutical sales rep in Washington, D.C., was always told by her feminist mother that she could be whoever she wanted to be, but she was never given any specific ideas about how to determine who that was." My mother has told me this time and time again but I still feel like because there are so many options are out there. Now, at twenty-five, I am struggling to find out who I am when I wish I would have been working on that all along. Also, now that I am trying to figure that out, my mother seems less enthusiatic unless I discover myself right here and right now.

CHAMELEON IDENTITY

1. What was the event (or events), and how old were you when it happened?

When I wanted to be with K, I tried to be the perfect girlfriend. I was around 22 years old.

2. Who was involved, and why did their opinion/reaction matter to you?

Me and K. Their opinion mattered because it was all a matter of whether they would chose to be with me or not.

3. What did you think you should do, have, or be in that situation? Why?

I had to be the perfect girlfriend. I couldn't show any of my insecurities, occasional jealousy, or bad habits. I couldn't express any feelings of discontent with anything, but rather had to be grateful for what all I was given.

4. What result did you want? Did you get it?

I wanted to be his and no, I didn't get it. Even after all that, he didn't want a relationship.

This identity was not in line with who I am and I will never act that way again. I am a down-to-earth person who tries to be "real" with everyone.

1. Who am I with my parents?

Dad- I'm pretty take charge and outspoken.
Mom- I'm more reserved and try to avoid talking about many issues.

2. Who am I with the rest of my family?

I feel like I'm pretty laid back and easy going, laughing and joking a lot.

3. Who am I with my friends?

S- With her, I'm truthful and open seeking for her advice and friendship.
Others- I'm the same as with my family.

4. Who am I with men?

In many situations I have been needy. I want attention for them but not from all men in general all the time, just the current man in my life.

5. Who am I with someone I am dating/in a serious relationship with/married to?

A bit needy... also, down-to-earth but reserved at the same time. I'm reserved when it comes to feelings.

6. Who am I with my coworkers? My boss?

Coworkers are usually like friends. With my boss, I just try to be accepted and that usually means staying on track and a bit of sucking up :).

7. Who am I with someone who intimidates me?

Quiet, usually following their lead.

8. Who am I with someone I don't like?

Distant and usually have somewhat of an attitude.

9. Who am I at work?

Wanting to be accepted, respected, and liked.

10. Who am I with a group of people?

Usually the quiet one unless it's a group of my close friends, then I sometimes just to the center of attention. Depends on whether I feel comfortable with those surrounding me.

11. Who am I in social situations?

Quiet and shy.

12. Who am I at a bar or party?

Outspoken and social!

WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?

1. How would you describe your generation of women? Do you think you fit that description? Why or why not?

My generation is uncomfortable and wandering. We are looking all around us for the answers and signs that are supposed to lead us to who we are and what we are supposed to do. I definitely fit that description.

2. Who were your role models when you were growing up? If you did not have a role model, who had an important impact on you?

I considered my mother my role model growing up. However, this was before I realized the specific of her life.

3. Who are your role models now?

I honestly don't know that I have one particular role model now. I admire different people for different things.

4. Has any movie or TV female character had a significant impact on you?

Carrie from Sex & the City has led me to desire an independent life with secure relationships and friendships, plenty of shoes, and working from home!

5. Can you think of anyone who you consciously do not want to be like? If so, why?

I don't want to be like my mother in many ways because she seems so unhappy with her life. So, it's not that I don't want to be like her on the inside but more than I don't want to end up like her.

6. Do you remember thinking about what it meant to be a woman when you were growing up? If so, what were your thoughts?

I don't remember.

DEFINING OURSELVES

"When I feel fat or ugly, I just feel awful about myself. It ruins my whole day. Looking good makes me feel better about myself."
-I feel this way and that's why I tend to overspend on clothes, makeup, and health products. I can truly tell a difference in how confident I am and how I feel on days that I "do something" with myself versus days that I don't. Also, things like being overweight and acne really bring me down so I try to keep those things in check. Being an attractive woman has become a big part of my identity.

Is Your Sense of Self Superficial?

1. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is very bad, 10 is no complaints), how do you feel about your overall appearance?

7

2. On average, how much time do you spend each day on your appearance (grooming, exercising, shopping)?

Only a few hours. My problem is desiring to look different but not doing a lot about it or doing the minimum necessary.

3. How would you describe your relationship with your body?

We're pretty tight. I know every nook and cranny whether it's good or bad. And for the most part, I like my body.

4. What does the term body image mean to you?

How I view my body (negatively or positively).

5. Do you think you have a healthy body image?

I would say yes. While I do over-critisize myself, I don't think I go overboard. And I don't think there is anyone who doesn't critisize at all.

6. Have you ever used your looks to get something?

I'm sure I have.

7. Have you ever not gotten something because of your appearance?

No.

8. Do you overspend on clothes, beauty products, and so on?

Yes.

9. Have you ever thought that you do not look good enough to pursue something you want, such as a career, relationship, and so on?

Not until lately but yes, a relationship.

Part I: The Twenties Triangle

*Facing innumerable options generates confusion. We hear over and over again that our goal as modern women is to have it all. We must have great careers, because otherwise we will not be successful or able to call ourselves feminists. We have to be married by thirty-five; if we aren't, we might as well get some cats and take up knitting. We must have children, or we will not be complete. We must have a fabulous figure, or we will not be considered sexy or desirable.*

The three questions of the twenty-something triangle: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want?

1. Who am I?

Really, it's easiest to say that I don't know. But I do in some sense know that I am a hopeful person who sees a lot for myself in the future.

-When I first started this book (not sure when exactly this was), this is how I answered: I am a survivor. No matter what happens in my life, big or small, I will get through it. I also will handle the trauma a lot better than I would have five years ago. This is because I have already been through so much. I have survived my father leaving, depression and sucidal thoughts, failed relationships, moving out at a young age, and much more. I am stronger now because of those things. I am a pleaser. I always think of others and try to do thing to have anyone I can. Sometimes I am lazy so I feel I can still improve in this area. I will never hurt someone's feelings if it's in my power. However, this trait sometimes leads to the inability to say no. I am a dreamer. I have struggled to stay this way and now although I'm still a dreamer, I have more of realist in me than before. My mind is a realist because I have seen with my own eyes that life isn't perfect no matter how hard you dream it up to be. My heart is still the dreamer because of course, I still want my future to be a fairy tale life. I am a seeker. I am always seeking out something new to try or a new place to go. This varies from hobbies to restaurants. I love learning new things and experiencing all there is to life. I'll never run out of new things.

Well, I feel a bit differently now but still some the same. I am still a survivor, pleaser, dreamer, and seeker. I believe that I will always survive and move forward. I am facing some really hard challenges right now and decisions that could lead to a lot of pain and as hard as it is to think of moving forward, I know I will in time. I still aim to be a pleaser and like I said before, it's an area where I need improvement. I am a dreamer and realist in one. I feel like more of a dreamer right now because I'm fantasizing this perfect world with myself in it. I have the strength and courage to make that dream happen. But it's not all in my hands. I'm a realist by realizing this and knowing that the world isn't perfect, but that it takes work. I already knew this but S helped me realize it even more so. I am still the same seeker looking for new things in life, just also looking for someone to do these things with.

2. What do I want?

I want to be genuinely happy and successful in life. This may mean a career, kids, and a marriage or maybe only one of those but whatever it is, I want it to be mean sincere happiness.

-This is what I wrote last time. Family: I want to spend more quality time with everyone. I want to visit my grandparents more often and build memories. I want to help my mom out more in life, whether it's financially or with chores, etc. I want to grow closer to my sister and show her how much is out there and what she can have. I want to be "cool aunt ashley" to S and Z.  I want acknowledgement and a place in my father's life and his family. I would also like an apology. School: I want to finish as soon as possible which would be doubling up soon. I also want to maintain a 4.0 but I'll be happy with a 3.0. Career: Right now I want a laid back job to make some money and get through college. After school, I want a fulfilling job where I love going everyday. Relationship/Marriage: I want a loving relationship that is established. I want a man who shows me he cares and is thoughful. I want to come home everyday to each other and spend time together. I want to experience life together and keep up the pace. Children: Deep down, I do want children and I even still want that little girl but I am scared to death of it. I see what happens when they turn into teenagers! I would be a loving mom who stays at home during the early years. Personal Life: I want to be truly happy deep down and appreciative of what I have. I want to be hard-working and dedicated.

Well, let me update this one. Family: I still want to spend more time with my family and build more memories with my grandparents, help my mom more, and lead my sister to a better life. I have finally mended the relationship with my father. It has helped me find myself tremendously to know the man who made me. He is not perfect by any means and it was a hard process but we both made it through and I truly accept him for who is it. I want better for him but I will never leave him. School: I have finally finished college! And with a 3.45 so I'm happy with that. It's kind of weird because I haven't really "congratulated myself" but I'm assuming that when I get a job, I'll feel more accomplished about obtaining my degree. Career: I'm not longer looking for the easy money-maker but am now looking for a career. I want a job I enjoy with great pay and benefits (doesn't everyone?).

Relationship/Marriage: I want it to work. That's all I can say right now.

Children: I want to have children with the right person and the right time. At this point, that time is hard to determine.

3. How do I get what I want or think I want?

I feel the only way to get there is through courage, strength, and dedication. I have to be outspoken about my dreams and have the strength to bear through the hard times. Once I find what it is, dedication is key.

-What I wrote last time. I am in the process of getting what I want or think I want because I'm evaluating my life. I am trying to pinpoint those wants and the things that matter. I am reading this book, starting therapy, and taking personal time in order to better myself. I want to capatalize on my strengths and improve my weaknesses. I think this will make me happier with myself which will lead to healthy relationships.

Update: I'm still figuring out everything I need and want through a personal journey, this book, and friendships.

Introduction 20 / 20

Personal Notes

(1) I have experienced many challenges and setbacks. I still do. Many relationship issues, educational debates, and personal life struggles have held me back.

(2) I talk to S about everything and realize that we share many problems. I recently opened up to E and P and some of the same issues are found in their lives as well. E seems to be unsure of what to do with her life like me whereas S and P just deal with certain areas.

(3) I just described my relationship with J last week as "nothing is really wrong, but nothing really feels right either."

(4) Quarter-Life Crisis: "Feelings of confusion, anxiety, and self-doubt experienced by some people in their twenties, especially after completing their education." Me. Except I started this before finishing college. Could be the age difference (finished at 25 versus 22-23).

(5) I do feel like I need to figure everything out right now.

(6) Loren's story is a lot like mine: she feels like everything she wants in life is out there somewhere and possibly around the corner but she just can't find any of it. She feels alone and while I'm in a relationship, I still feel that way most of the time. I have made friends in time who are now younger than me with careers making double what I probably will in the beginning and that's intimidating. I want to be somebody and have a great career just like they do but I feel like I can't live up to that... which is usually their expectations. Those friends don't understand why everyone else is behind. My mom doesn't understand why I feel the need to get ahead. It's almost like she just wants me to settle... which I considered because at some point I have to take what I can get. I can easily sum up how I feel about myself at this point in time: I'm 25 years old and have nothing to show for my life.

(7) Clara's story isn't like my life at all. Clara has it together and someone like me looks at her and thinks BE HAPPY! But everyone has their own problems and issues and I believe she suffers like I do for some reason. I do relate to some of the questions she has about her life: Is he the one? Marriage? Do I want kids? Will I have a career or kids or somehow balance both? The list goes on.

(8) Quotes that apply to me:

"This is a time when I want to figure out who I am, what I want, and what my purpose is in life, but I seem to spend more time learning how much pressure I can handle."

"I am still searching, trying to figure out what makes me tick and what my voice is in the world."

"This is a time of everything at once, with a feeling that there is no room for error." **This one is very true because I am constantly worried that I'll make the wrong choice and everyone, including myself, will be disappointed. Instead of taking a stab in the dark, I try not to make the choice at all so I'm not set up for failure. However, this means I never change or move forward, just stand still.**

"I experience misplaced energy from a weak sense of self. A lot of two two steps forward, three steps back."

(9) "We are told that the twenties are 'the time of our lives,' yet many of us admit that we are not having much fun." That quote makes me laugh... with sarcasm in my voice! This is absolutely NOT the time of my life... maybe my early twenties was and I'm hoping my mid-to-late twenties will be as well. But right here in the middle, hell no. I hate it.

(10) ...The concerns of a twenty-something woman today are unqiue to both our generation and our gender. We face different issues that our parents, particularly our mothers, faced. I guess this is why my mom doesn't understand where I'm coming from or see "what all the fuss is about." However, she was a twenty-something single woman only for a short time and then had me unexpectedly. Individuals who find themselves in situations like this usually figure things out fast because they are forced into it. I must admit that sometimes I wish for this because at least it would be a decision! But then, I know, not by any means is that the right way or reason to have a kid (so young at least).

(11) "Has the 'anything is possible' mentality we grew up with made us feel that twenty-something has to become twenty-everything? Has a limitless number of choices created an inability to pick just one? Perhaps our endless options have made us unable to confidently embark on one path." I can totally see how this mentality has almost screwed us over when it was meant to empower us. I have too many jobs, relationships, places to live, etc to chose from. That's exactly what I can't just choose one. "It's all about choices." - S :)

(12) Men are like dressers. Women are like hot air balloons. Men have an amazing ability to compartmentalize their lives. They only pull out one drawer at a time because opening two or more would make the dresser tip over. Women are fueled by everything that happens in their life at once and creates fire under the hot air balloon.

(13) Quiz to determine if you are experiencing symptoms of a twenty-something crisis:

Do you feel a need to "have it all"? Yes.
Do you feel older for the first time in your life? Yes.
Do you feel pressure to grow up and get your adult life in order? Yes.
Do you often feel depressed, overwhelmed, lost, and maybe even a little hopeless? Yes.
Do you ever feel that time is running out when you try to figure out your career and decide whether you
      want to get a married and/or have children? Yes.
Are you stressed out by choices that seemingly will affect the rest of your life? Yes.
Do you feel that you have failed because you don't know what you want to do with your life? Yes.
Do you overanalyze yourself and your decisions? Yes.
Do you ever feel guilty for complaining about your life when you've lived only about a quarter of it? Yes.
Are you embarrassed that you have not figured out or accomplished more? Yes.

I answered yes to them all. I definitely think I am experiencing the crisis.

(14) Sounds just like me: "I came into my quarter-life by attempting to fix, improve, change, or repair every aspect of my life. I always thought my relationships, career, and physical appearance should or could be different in a way that would make me feel more at peace. Yet no matter what I did, the gnawing feeling that something was not right was always present. My excuses - "I do not like this career because it is not the right fit for me" and "I am not happy in this relationship because he is not the right guy for me" - became tiresome."

(15) **Quote** "Only you can change your life, your mind, or your future - it is a matter of commitment and choice."

20 Something 20 Everything

So I must admit that I have started this book a few times before, but hey I'm serious this time! :) It's an awesome book that usually slows me down answering a lot of the extensive questions and surveys but they are equally as important so I plan to make it all the way through this time. I feel like I'm lost in currently but I am proud to say that I think I am headed in the right direction. I've made a few decisions that have helped strengthen me on my journey. This blog will continue to have random exerpts of my life but will also course my journey through the book 20 Something 20 Everything: A Quarter-Life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction by Christine Hassler. Follow me if you will, it will hopefully be a fun and strengthening guide for me.