Part I: The Twenties Triangle

*Facing innumerable options generates confusion. We hear over and over again that our goal as modern women is to have it all. We must have great careers, because otherwise we will not be successful or able to call ourselves feminists. We have to be married by thirty-five; if we aren't, we might as well get some cats and take up knitting. We must have children, or we will not be complete. We must have a fabulous figure, or we will not be considered sexy or desirable.*

The three questions of the twenty-something triangle: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want?

1. Who am I?

Really, it's easiest to say that I don't know. But I do in some sense know that I am a hopeful person who sees a lot for myself in the future.

-When I first started this book (not sure when exactly this was), this is how I answered: I am a survivor. No matter what happens in my life, big or small, I will get through it. I also will handle the trauma a lot better than I would have five years ago. This is because I have already been through so much. I have survived my father leaving, depression and sucidal thoughts, failed relationships, moving out at a young age, and much more. I am stronger now because of those things. I am a pleaser. I always think of others and try to do thing to have anyone I can. Sometimes I am lazy so I feel I can still improve in this area. I will never hurt someone's feelings if it's in my power. However, this trait sometimes leads to the inability to say no. I am a dreamer. I have struggled to stay this way and now although I'm still a dreamer, I have more of realist in me than before. My mind is a realist because I have seen with my own eyes that life isn't perfect no matter how hard you dream it up to be. My heart is still the dreamer because of course, I still want my future to be a fairy tale life. I am a seeker. I am always seeking out something new to try or a new place to go. This varies from hobbies to restaurants. I love learning new things and experiencing all there is to life. I'll never run out of new things.

Well, I feel a bit differently now but still some the same. I am still a survivor, pleaser, dreamer, and seeker. I believe that I will always survive and move forward. I am facing some really hard challenges right now and decisions that could lead to a lot of pain and as hard as it is to think of moving forward, I know I will in time. I still aim to be a pleaser and like I said before, it's an area where I need improvement. I am a dreamer and realist in one. I feel like more of a dreamer right now because I'm fantasizing this perfect world with myself in it. I have the strength and courage to make that dream happen. But it's not all in my hands. I'm a realist by realizing this and knowing that the world isn't perfect, but that it takes work. I already knew this but S helped me realize it even more so. I am still the same seeker looking for new things in life, just also looking for someone to do these things with.

2. What do I want?

I want to be genuinely happy and successful in life. This may mean a career, kids, and a marriage or maybe only one of those but whatever it is, I want it to be mean sincere happiness.

-This is what I wrote last time. Family: I want to spend more quality time with everyone. I want to visit my grandparents more often and build memories. I want to help my mom out more in life, whether it's financially or with chores, etc. I want to grow closer to my sister and show her how much is out there and what she can have. I want to be "cool aunt ashley" to S and Z.  I want acknowledgement and a place in my father's life and his family. I would also like an apology. School: I want to finish as soon as possible which would be doubling up soon. I also want to maintain a 4.0 but I'll be happy with a 3.0. Career: Right now I want a laid back job to make some money and get through college. After school, I want a fulfilling job where I love going everyday. Relationship/Marriage: I want a loving relationship that is established. I want a man who shows me he cares and is thoughful. I want to come home everyday to each other and spend time together. I want to experience life together and keep up the pace. Children: Deep down, I do want children and I even still want that little girl but I am scared to death of it. I see what happens when they turn into teenagers! I would be a loving mom who stays at home during the early years. Personal Life: I want to be truly happy deep down and appreciative of what I have. I want to be hard-working and dedicated.

Well, let me update this one. Family: I still want to spend more time with my family and build more memories with my grandparents, help my mom more, and lead my sister to a better life. I have finally mended the relationship with my father. It has helped me find myself tremendously to know the man who made me. He is not perfect by any means and it was a hard process but we both made it through and I truly accept him for who is it. I want better for him but I will never leave him. School: I have finally finished college! And with a 3.45 so I'm happy with that. It's kind of weird because I haven't really "congratulated myself" but I'm assuming that when I get a job, I'll feel more accomplished about obtaining my degree. Career: I'm not longer looking for the easy money-maker but am now looking for a career. I want a job I enjoy with great pay and benefits (doesn't everyone?).

Relationship/Marriage: I want it to work. That's all I can say right now.

Children: I want to have children with the right person and the right time. At this point, that time is hard to determine.

3. How do I get what I want or think I want?

I feel the only way to get there is through courage, strength, and dedication. I have to be outspoken about my dreams and have the strength to bear through the hard times. Once I find what it is, dedication is key.

-What I wrote last time. I am in the process of getting what I want or think I want because I'm evaluating my life. I am trying to pinpoint those wants and the things that matter. I am reading this book, starting therapy, and taking personal time in order to better myself. I want to capatalize on my strengths and improve my weaknesses. I think this will make me happier with myself which will lead to healthy relationships.

Update: I'm still figuring out everything I need and want through a personal journey, this book, and friendships.