Chapter 1: Who Am I?

TO BE OR NOT TO BE ... LIKE MOM

There is no doubt that our mothers - our relationship with them, their choices, their behavior, and our feelings about these things - have made significant impressions on us and will continue to affect our identity throughout our lives.

Heather's story strikes home on some levels - she was the first woman to go to college in the family and watched her mother live vicariously through her children. Like Heather, I feel that my mother did not equip me well for some aspects of adulthood. I don't remember her stressing the effects of credit cards and debt but instead only focusing on getting an education. Her main point was that I should go to college so I wouldn't ever be reliant on anyone. Well, this had a positive and negative effect. It was positive because I am a college graduate but negative because I have this refusal to rely on man completely. Also my mother has held decent jobs but nothing that she loved. She has always seemed to dread going to work and only does it because she has too. I think this somehow became ingrained in me because I don't have a high drive to work right now and when I do, I usually find myself hating the job and complaining a lot. I sometimes wish I had a mother who had a respectable job that she loved so I would have learned the value of loving your job and the value of giving back through work. I needed the influence of a strong work ethic.

Annette explained her relationship as hot-and-cold with her mother. She realized that her mother never allowed her own self-expression but instead directed any emotion she had toward other people. She tried to be happy through other people. -Well, this one strikes home because I believe that I have always tried to be happy through other people instead of through self-expression. Now, this is something that my mother has realized about me and asked why I am always in a relationship and can't just be alone. The truth is she never was either (until now). She went from my dad to my stepdad in a matter of months. Heck I still don't know that story or how that happened but my sister was an infant when she married my stepdad (not including the dating). She relied on happiness through someone else instead of finding it herself. Things have changed and now she is alone because she realized my stepdad wasn't the right one, so that's two divorces. This is inspiring to see her making it through but at the same time she still seems very unhappy and is struggling so much in life, just in a different way now than before.

Your Mother's Influence

1. Among the women quoted above, whose story resonated with you most, and why?
-Well, I really just answered this above.

2. What was your mother's role in your home? Do you think she liked it?
-The first nine years of my life, my mother's role was a working woman who also did everything at home. My dad was not present most of the time so she didn't have much help. No, I do not think she liked any bit of it. From nine to seventeen, my mother stayed at home and then started working those last few years because "the kids were grown." However, it seemed more like she was doing it for the money. I think she may have enjoyed staying at home but not really working. Most recently, the past few years she had reverted back to a working woman and single mother holding down a household. I don't think she is happy at all with her job, or living situation.

3. Did your mother work outside your home, and how did that affect your desire to work?
-Once again, I answered the first part in question two. I think her lack of desire to work and the fact that she stayed at home so many years made me think I shouldn't have to work. I think it also made me think that no job is fun or desirable because she never seemed happy where she was or what she was doing.

4. What did you admire about your mother?
-The fact that she is so strong and always makes it through the tough times. I am just like her in the aspect and I look around my entire family and see where it comes from. Only me and her are like this.

5. What did you not like about your mother?
-I didn't like how she never seemed happy. I also realize now looking back that she never expressed her emotions or communicated well and I blame this flaws within myself somewhat on her.

6. In what ways was or is your mother your role model?
-She is still my role model but in the way I mentioned in question four. I desire to be a strong woman who can do for herself. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone or live an emotionless life.

7. Have you followed in the footsteps on your mother? In what ways do you think you are similar to her?
-I feel like I have. The ways I mentioned above.

8. In what ways did you consciously decide to take another path? Why?
-I have consciously decided that I don't want to be like her in most ways. I realized that she seemed unhappy most of her life and I want to live a long, happy and eventful life fulfilling my dreams and sharing them with those people I love.

9. What advice did your mother give you that really has stuck with you?
-I think it's important to be myself and proud of myself. I don't want to rely on someone else for happiness. She may not have followed these guidelines until later in her life and is still trying to obtain some of them I'm sure, but I want to start now. I think I just have to decipher through the message and pull out the positive, important parts and combine them with the right way of going about it.

10. Did your mother have any behaviors that you vowed to never repeat?
-I vowed that I would never be with a man who treated me like crap. Well, somehow I fell into one of those relationships. I also vowed that I would never get divorce. Strike two.

11. What things did your mother say to you that influenced the decisions you have made in your twenties?
-Not a lot. I don't think she is very supportive of my twenties. She didn't go through this period of confusion or if she did, I don't know about it (which goes back to the communication issue). When I tell her that I don't know exactly what to do but I know that I want to be somebody and go places in life, she doesn't understand why I don't just do that with the life I already have. While I'm not writing that off the list, she doesn't understand that life sometimes takes us in different directions and that everyone desires different things in life. She thinks I should stay where I am, keep doing what I'm doing, and get a job. Thanks for the enthusiasm and understanding, mom.

12.  Has your mother said, or does she continue to say, certain things to or about you that affect your self-esteem or self-image?
-She does make me feel guilty and that I'm wrong for my feelings a lot of times. Like I just mentioned above and then also, if I express my feelings and they don't agree with her she will tell me what I'm doing is wrong. It's almost as if she's saying "Get it together, Ashley" all the time instead of supporting me through the processes.

13. What was your mother's relationship like with your father or her husband (or with men in general)?
-Two words: not good. I don't even remember my mother and father together, ever. They fought all the time and divorced when I was young. I definitely remember my mom and stepdad together but it's not good memories. There was constant tension and fighting along with awkwardness. She also told me a young age that she didn't love him but instead that he was there at a time of need and offered to take of her and us. Imagine how this has affected me. I haven't had a single influence of a good relationship growing up.

14. How was your mother's relationship with her mother?
-Um, I can't really say for sure. They seem close and now that my Nanny is older, she seems most dependent on my mother to take care of her.

15. How do you think your mother's relationships with others impacted how you behave in relationships with others?
-Sum it up: I'm skeptical of relationships, don't rely on men (or give myself completely, however you want to look at it), don't communicate well, or let myself be emotionally known or available. I also have had a long string of failed relationships and a failed marriage. These things can all be traced by to something in her life, whether the blame lies there or not.

Putting this all in words has made me realize that I'm not happy with the influence she gave overall. I never would have thought there were so many negative things I could have possibly gained from my mother seeing as she's a loving, caring woman who has always tried to give me what I need.

**The next part is to interview your mother and two other women her age. This is kind of difficult to do right now and I'm not even sure who the other women would be so I'll come back to this.**

I feel a lot like Jessica. This is basically her story: "Jessica, a twenty-seven year-old pharmaceutical sales rep in Washington, D.C., was always told by her feminist mother that she could be whoever she wanted to be, but she was never given any specific ideas about how to determine who that was." My mother has told me this time and time again but I still feel like because there are so many options are out there. Now, at twenty-five, I am struggling to find out who I am when I wish I would have been working on that all along. Also, now that I am trying to figure that out, my mother seems less enthusiatic unless I discover myself right here and right now.

CHAMELEON IDENTITY

1. What was the event (or events), and how old were you when it happened?

When I wanted to be with K, I tried to be the perfect girlfriend. I was around 22 years old.

2. Who was involved, and why did their opinion/reaction matter to you?

Me and K. Their opinion mattered because it was all a matter of whether they would chose to be with me or not.

3. What did you think you should do, have, or be in that situation? Why?

I had to be the perfect girlfriend. I couldn't show any of my insecurities, occasional jealousy, or bad habits. I couldn't express any feelings of discontent with anything, but rather had to be grateful for what all I was given.

4. What result did you want? Did you get it?

I wanted to be his and no, I didn't get it. Even after all that, he didn't want a relationship.

This identity was not in line with who I am and I will never act that way again. I am a down-to-earth person who tries to be "real" with everyone.

1. Who am I with my parents?

Dad- I'm pretty take charge and outspoken.
Mom- I'm more reserved and try to avoid talking about many issues.

2. Who am I with the rest of my family?

I feel like I'm pretty laid back and easy going, laughing and joking a lot.

3. Who am I with my friends?

S- With her, I'm truthful and open seeking for her advice and friendship.
Others- I'm the same as with my family.

4. Who am I with men?

In many situations I have been needy. I want attention for them but not from all men in general all the time, just the current man in my life.

5. Who am I with someone I am dating/in a serious relationship with/married to?

A bit needy... also, down-to-earth but reserved at the same time. I'm reserved when it comes to feelings.

6. Who am I with my coworkers? My boss?

Coworkers are usually like friends. With my boss, I just try to be accepted and that usually means staying on track and a bit of sucking up :).

7. Who am I with someone who intimidates me?

Quiet, usually following their lead.

8. Who am I with someone I don't like?

Distant and usually have somewhat of an attitude.

9. Who am I at work?

Wanting to be accepted, respected, and liked.

10. Who am I with a group of people?

Usually the quiet one unless it's a group of my close friends, then I sometimes just to the center of attention. Depends on whether I feel comfortable with those surrounding me.

11. Who am I in social situations?

Quiet and shy.

12. Who am I at a bar or party?

Outspoken and social!

WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?

1. How would you describe your generation of women? Do you think you fit that description? Why or why not?

My generation is uncomfortable and wandering. We are looking all around us for the answers and signs that are supposed to lead us to who we are and what we are supposed to do. I definitely fit that description.

2. Who were your role models when you were growing up? If you did not have a role model, who had an important impact on you?

I considered my mother my role model growing up. However, this was before I realized the specific of her life.

3. Who are your role models now?

I honestly don't know that I have one particular role model now. I admire different people for different things.

4. Has any movie or TV female character had a significant impact on you?

Carrie from Sex & the City has led me to desire an independent life with secure relationships and friendships, plenty of shoes, and working from home!

5. Can you think of anyone who you consciously do not want to be like? If so, why?

I don't want to be like my mother in many ways because she seems so unhappy with her life. So, it's not that I don't want to be like her on the inside but more than I don't want to end up like her.

6. Do you remember thinking about what it meant to be a woman when you were growing up? If so, what were your thoughts?

I don't remember.

DEFINING OURSELVES

"When I feel fat or ugly, I just feel awful about myself. It ruins my whole day. Looking good makes me feel better about myself."
-I feel this way and that's why I tend to overspend on clothes, makeup, and health products. I can truly tell a difference in how confident I am and how I feel on days that I "do something" with myself versus days that I don't. Also, things like being overweight and acne really bring me down so I try to keep those things in check. Being an attractive woman has become a big part of my identity.

Is Your Sense of Self Superficial?

1. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is very bad, 10 is no complaints), how do you feel about your overall appearance?

7

2. On average, how much time do you spend each day on your appearance (grooming, exercising, shopping)?

Only a few hours. My problem is desiring to look different but not doing a lot about it or doing the minimum necessary.

3. How would you describe your relationship with your body?

We're pretty tight. I know every nook and cranny whether it's good or bad. And for the most part, I like my body.

4. What does the term body image mean to you?

How I view my body (negatively or positively).

5. Do you think you have a healthy body image?

I would say yes. While I do over-critisize myself, I don't think I go overboard. And I don't think there is anyone who doesn't critisize at all.

6. Have you ever used your looks to get something?

I'm sure I have.

7. Have you ever not gotten something because of your appearance?

No.

8. Do you overspend on clothes, beauty products, and so on?

Yes.

9. Have you ever thought that you do not look good enough to pursue something you want, such as a career, relationship, and so on?

Not until lately but yes, a relationship.